As I was sitting in my swing (in January) tossing "the Ladies" (my pet chickens) chunks of bread I noticed several of them poking around the potted herbs and nibbling on some basil that was still alive. Hmmm. Taylor suggested I feed them cheese and bacon too so they could lay pre-packaged omelets! Cool! It put me in mind of a humor piece I wrote awhile back and put away. I hope you enjoy it!
They say there are no stupid questions, only unasked ones. Here are a few I would like you to consider (and please get back to me!)
I hate to pick on the medical field, but why would anyone want to go to a “memorial hospital?” Wouldn’t you prefer one where folks made it out alive? I know of many of them are directly across from cemeteries. That view frankly sucks. How inspiring is that? Why, in a place where you need the rest most, do you never get any? Do we really need our water pitchers filled at 5 a.m. by folks pushing squeaky metal carts? Please give me a doctor that is not just “practicing” medicine. I want one who knows what they are doing!
Why do prescription labels often say “Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery” instead of “Don’t drive a car?” How many of us own backhoes and bulldozers? (Um, well, I happen to, but…) Does non-drowsy mean it won’t MAKE you sleep or LET you sleep? Have you ever really listened to the warnings on drug commercials? Frankly the “side effects” are often way scarier than the original problem. For example, a well-known allergy spray (by the way, hubby is a beekeeper and our bees don’t have Spanish accents) lists the side effects as headaches, coughing, nose bleeds, sore throat, painful menstrual cramps, muscle/bone pain, sinus infections, vomiting, nausea, diarrhea, asthma, chest pains, bronchitis, ear aches, acne, weight gain, stretch marks, hive and/or rash. You may not have caught all that when they speed-talk through it. Aside from the obvious, that many of these side effects are worse than the allergy symptoms, a lot of these are the same symptoms you would have with allergies anyway. So why bother? In other medicines death can occur when you are trying to prevent peeing your pants! Embarrassing, yes. Deadly, no.
I could spend a lot of time solving the world’s problems, but I don’t. I spend it wondering why Yellow Freight Line’s trucks are orange and Celadon Trucking’s are blue. What happens to sour cream after the expiration date? Does it get fresh again? Does juice turn into wine or cider? Do raisins become grapes again? Why aren’t hamburgers made of ham? Why do folks love to eat out at restaurants known for their “home-cookin?” Why do I gain five pounds when I only eat one pound of chocolate? Why do butchers strip a chicken naked and call it “dressing?”
Why do my magazines sometimes arrive battered and torn, yet the (intact) reply postcards are still dangling from one corner stuck between pages? Why do they make electric weed-eaters? Why don’t I own a weed-eater cord replacement business? Why does the local “Psychic” establishment have a sign on the door that reads “Call for an appointment?” Wouldn’t they already know you’re coming? Why is “a woman’s work never done,” but when a man works, they feel the need to point it out by putting up a warning sign (Caution: Men at Work)?
I often wonder how many folks driving through the bank ATM or a fast food restaurant actually ask for the Braille menu? It makes as much sense as the “Braille Menus Available” sign posted ground level at the front door. Do guide dogs read?
There is a variety of flower called a “moonfer” which only blooms at night. If you haven’t seen one, you were probably in bed. I will never think of a gladiola as anything but a funeral flower. Perhaps they would be better called sadiolas.
My husband goes nuts when someone mentions the word “fiction.” He says if that means “not real,” then “non-fiction” means “not not real,” which would mean it is real. By the way, why don’t we get our “hairscut?” Nobody I know just cuts one hair. Why is it that something worth a lot is expensive, and something cheap is inexpensive, whereas if something is valuable, it's not worth as much as something invaluable?
Why do my hands get cracked and dry when they are constantly in water? Why are 20-Watt bulbs three times more expensive than 60-Watt ones? We had a nauga-hide sofa when I was a kid. What is a nauga? Hubby says I am getting ripped off when I buy my pure mohair teddy bears and sweaters because there is no such thing as a mo. Why do they make rug and air fresheners? Just clean up what stinks! Why do folks put their swings with the canopies on their porch under a roof?
Why do we call it “rush hour” when traffic is the slowest? What does “let bygones be bygones really mean? My son was watching a cartoon where the superhero said “We believe in peace and are willing to fight for it!” Huh? The Spring 2009 edition of the Godiva (yum) chocolate catalog describes their gourmet Easter baskets as being “Kosher.” Am I missing something or do Jewish folks now celebrate Easter?
I must confess I don’t know the entire product labeling guidelines, but some baffle me. In a Disney Hotel bathroom I picked up a shower cap package that read (seriously it did) “Fits One Head.” I had a microwave entrée that instructed me to “Remove meal from box. Heat on High for 4-5 minutes. Eat.” OK. I realize that a peanut allergy can be serious and those folks need warned, but really, on a jar of peanuts it said “Warning: Contains Peanuts.” Who is that going to save? Someone who can read, but doesn’t know what a peanut looks like (but can’t read the word Peanuts on the front) or someone too young to read who wouldn’t know this wasn’t a jar of poison anyway?
I read in Spain they have a special black pig that is fed only acorns for a sweet, nutty flavored meat. If that’s the case, why don’t we feed them ham glaze? For that matter, why don’t we feed turkeys only seasoned breadcrumbs or chocolate to bunnies? By the way, why does the turkey bag instructions require us to “pat the turkey?” Wouldn’t the turkey have enjoyed it more when it was alive?
Speaking of departing this life, I saw on the news a convicted murderer who was to be executed the next morning. The reporter said the guy wrote a letter then went to bed at 10 p.m. Hello? I’d be up all night eating everything in sight and watching TV (and of course, praying for a last minute stay of execution!) Could you really sleep? Do you need the rest? Isn’t there plenty of time later for that when you’re dead?
Also from the news: A vegetarian gal who eats tons of tofu (I am already questioning her sanity) was confused and disappointed because her license plate request was denied. She couldn’t understand why someone would be offended by “ILUVTOFU.” Is there another person on the planet besides her that would immediately think “Yum, tofu?”
Until next time,